My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
good work, detective
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
