Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.