Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.