Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

Roombas should bark

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

How I like cutting carbs

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing