Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.