Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

TWEET CALL

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