Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off