You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I feel it
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding