I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I love it
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”