Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All generalizations are stupid.

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

But is it really??

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want