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I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.