Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.