Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
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Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I think my mom just blocked me
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.