Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

I basically called this earlier today

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG