I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
