I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
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Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”