Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
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I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
me, too, girl. me, too.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.