Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.