Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
what do you want
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight