Why is no one talking about this?!
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RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”