me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.