When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
You Might Also Like
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
rebranding
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist