Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Lmao

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*