Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.