having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
