is this a threat
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They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no