[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
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Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*