“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
i wonder why they stopped looking
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.