When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.