8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
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It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Saturday
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂