cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
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Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.