The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Practicing safe sax
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I enjoy a good short stor
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.