Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.