Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

tag yourself

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

I hydrated. Surrender now.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.