Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
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Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Meow
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction