Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

I enjoy a good short stor

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

good work, detective

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.