Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

😂

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re