My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
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Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.