Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”

Twitter is the new flypaper.

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.