Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to