* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
You Might Also Like
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Ummm 😳
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*