Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.