me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
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probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
it’s finally my moment to shine
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
