Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

Good news

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”