Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
But I really needed water water water
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Yes
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?