it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
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If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.