if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
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I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.