Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Tell me you get it…🤣

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

Love thy neighbor’s dog

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?