A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
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Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️