my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
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Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
FRED: right
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).